4:17pm

Even when I am alone I am not

Outside forces whisper urgently

Others' energies

And what am I to do

I control everything and nothing

I run in circles

Effecting others' lives

Not my own

The wind knocks on my door

I dare not let it in for I am near hysteria

And the last thing I need is swept away

Everything past 4:17pm has gone to hell

And I have no solutions

Or energy

I will go to them 

My fellow artists

Perhaps something good can still come of this night

I look like hell but I will go anyway

Like I said I would

Maybe I should start saying no

I will bring my paints and a mug

Maybe answers will be waiting

Sleep is a sweet elixir

But too often I over indulge 

Not tonight

From this night color will arise

For tired as I am

Emotions run high

Hold On

I have been sifting through some old writings from my senior year of college.
As I have gone through them I realize I have blocked out the pain and confusion that I though would never end. It ended. And my life has evolved into something much better than I had ever thought possible back then. Still it hurt to be reminded....but at the same time gave me perspective.
Why do I mention this? Because there are many people who are struggling at the moment and although it might look hopeless I want you to hold on. Selfish of me I know....but hear me out....As you go through the bad times I want you to remember a better time and place your self there. Focus on the good. Move away from the darkness. If that good was a friend, a song, a place, or a movie (it could be anything) remember it with joy and then move on to create other happy moments, even if they are small.
 Write the bad out of your heart apparently that is what I did senior year and I hope that you can do the same. It does get better. Whether it is circumstance or just your attitude or your ability to handle disaster! You come out of the storm a fighter. No my life is not "perfect" I don't even know what that means. But I am happy to be alive and to have the opportunity to spend time with all of you and if I have not met you than to meet you. Keep going, keep fighting and remember that I love you.

Change

I listened to her talk about the pain, the loneliness

How he tried to fashion her into his perfect bride

This beautiful woman who gave years upon years to a monster

And I wondered how she made it out alive

How she managed to walk away and find a new love

How did she learn to trust?

All these years later she is sitting here to tell about it

It made me realize that some pain never fades no matter how much one apologizes

There are some wounds that cut you too deep not to leave a scar

Permanently

It’s funny how we sign our lives away

Not just to others but to jobs, money, and social constraints

Some believe that to overcome this loss of oneself there needs to exist complete anarchy

However, I believe enough is said with confidence, knowledge, and respect

She said they judged her over her failed marriage

And I tried to imagine how she must have felt

How the pain and anger must have multiplied itself again and again

And again

I’m so glad she found a way out

It hurts to watch youth promising themselves that others will change in a positive way

A wise woman once told me to never try to change a man

She said what you see is what you get

I took her words to heart and promised myself that if an occasion ever arose than I would stop myself

Before it was too late

Lovers are not paintings to adorn your home

Nor are they poetry to elicit a reaction from the depths of your soul

But if true they are the sun overcoming the darkness

Perhaps even filler for the void

Whoever would read this remember

Only change to your own liking

There is no perfect bride

Only an illusion

The true perfection dwells in your spirit

Change for no one

**This piece was copied from a former facebook page I had (I forgot my log in permanently it seems!) This piece was based on a story an older woman told me many years ago.....she is one of the sweetest people I know and very happy now. I thought you should know!

Bridges

A friend recently said "I've looked at your blog and you have not written in 8 months....I would like some new reading material." This struck me as wonderful and I vowed to begin writing more often. So Ashley here is some new reading material <3 

(Please see Ashley's great blog A Whisper in the Wind). 

Bridges

Lately I have been thinking of the bridges I've burned (intentionally or not)

Through the ashes of memory I sift 

Half remembered phone numbers

Passionate discussions 

Dive bars 

Unending arguments 

Half hearted C chords

A scrap of late night dinners

The bridges led to so many different people, places, and times. . .

Some just stopped like a dead end

There was no warning sign along the way

Some crumbled slowly 

Old and not properly maintained 

Others ignited 

Burning hot and painful

And a few remain in the purgatory of bridges

. . . Rope and wood swinging precariously in the wind. . .

Do you take the risk and try to cross it

Do you even reach out to touch it 

Lest it crash into the waters below

Robbing you of your last bit of stability

Or sanity

Most of the bridges I yearn to forget

Others I hope to rebuild 

Yet I wonder why

Why rebuild now when I have strong foundations and support

Is there some gold on the other side

Paradise lost

Even if there was does any of it matter now

I think not

So I move forward into better waters

Yet I cannot shake the fear

The shadow that slithers into my conscious 

Whispering

What if I ruined all these bridges

Myself a master of destruction

A tornado

A hurricane

Sweeping the bridges into the deep waters

There is something inside that insists
Persists

Intention or not you destroyed the lot

And I pray that it is false

Yet I continue not knowing

Never knowing

Bridge by bridge I cross

Holding my breath

For more ashes would turn this memory pit into a graveyard