Losing It

No matter how many arms wrap lovingly around me I still feel alone.

All last week my face hurt 

Not from smiling

From stress

From worry

Anxiety

Loneliness

The ever predators 

I know I am loved

I have been blessed with many wonderful friends and family members

Everything seems to be going so well....

A good job

Loving husband

A house

The cat

All the things I dreamed of

So what is this terror?

I seem to stand always on the brink

The feeders in the shadows slip under my doorframe 

Sucking at my happiness

The image in the mirror

Taunting

Mocking

Waiting

For me to fail 

To fall

For all of it to disappear

For me to wake up and be that scared little girl again

Alone

No friends

Fat 

No talent

Always scared

Hated for being different

Snippets of their comments float to the surface

"You can't have everything"

"You are a reasonable girl, you know you'll never be famous"

Or worth anything?

I wonder....

"Spoiled little bitch" he said

Funny thing is I worked for it

All of it

None of the things have came easily to me

Or were handed to me

But nobody sees it that way

They don't know me or my past

I am not practical

Well grounded

Reasonable

Or any of the things they think I am

I am a dreamer

Artist

Song writer

Poet

Singer

All the things the world would collapse without 

Yet refuse to value today

They value us when it is too late

Maybe if I hadn't tried so hard I would not fear losing it all. 

Just I.

 So many were trying just to survive. 

I wanted to thrive. 

Take this world by a storm. 

I knew I could but I had no plan.

 No savings. 

No financial bearings. 

I entered this world. 

A new beginning. 

Not understanding I stepped out into this chaos called reality.

So many were trying to find food. 

While We ate Our fill and spoke of ways to lose the calories.

 To the extent that TV shows existed which focused on who can lose the most weight. 

While We gained weight watching the shows. 

We worried about bikini bodies and jean sizes while they starved. 

Paid out money for weight loss surgery.

But had nothing to give the poor.

So many needed shelter. 

A home to keep their children safe. 

I would walk into a strangers home and be surrounded by wealth. 

Their designer clothing. 

Their designer friends. 

Their designer food.

And I wondered if maybe they had room in their vacation home for those who needed shelter. 

Probably not.

So many needed basic human rights. 

While We screamed about sexism in the work place. 

And who reserves the right to decide if a woman kills her child? 

And do we really think it is fair to be punished for our crimes?

Even when We know We are guilty.

While They were beat in the streets. 

Nobody blinked.

So many were under the communistic thumb. 

While Our freedom started to drain.

We rushed to hand over our rights to arms. 

Pretending We knew what We were doing. 

Pretending the bad guys don't get the guns.

We will be safer this way.

That's what We said.

We forgot how to think for ourselves.

To understand the consequences of Our actions.

We let history repeat itself.

So it was that I came to realize. 

I am not part of We. 

I am just I.

 Still coming out of the womb screaming and kicking into a mess of idiots and contradictions. 

Alone.

I know that a new We can exist.

I hope I find you somewhere in this storm.

And we can start the new We.

A new world.

Just Butter Please

Just the butter

I don't bother with syrup

I used to out of habit

A little syrup and a lot of butter

Why bother?

Let's face it I am in it for the butter

Now my love he only wants the syrup

I feel like this is a sign

Perhaps this is proof that opposites attract

So do similarities though

Two extremists after all

My cat, Sorin, plays the sneak game with me

I'm sure you know it

I turn my head he gets closer

I look at him he is frozen

He plays it well

But today it made me wonder if this is the greatest metaphor for life

When you're not looking

It comes for you

Life

They say I'm young,"life hasn't hit me yet"

Makes me wonder what I am living right now if it isn't life

Also when will it hit?

When I'm not looking?

Sneak up on me with claws sharp

If I turn will I be able to stop it?

Cats are great teachers

Philosophers if you would

I look at Sorin and tell him 'life hasn't hit you yet"

He barely looks up

He isn't worried

We both know it's a lie

I found him on the streets

Life has hit us all

Whether the outsiders accept it or not

Maybe I should have added a little syrup for their sake

Next time I will

It is hard to accept the idea of just butter

Hear No Evil........

Whispered secrets

Vows to keep

Shame

Anger

Shock

Love 

Trust

Loyalty

Your silence honored

Forever my friend

October Again

I visited you for possibly the last time

Every time I walk out the doors I wonder

Life has taken it's share

Maybe that was humanity's deal with the devil

Let us live here and when we grow old earth and demons can take their revenge on our bodies

I doubt it

This is not Satan's domain

No demon is taking you

I remember in October we talked about death

You told me you were nearly 80 and had lived a long life

You still don't want to die

It is hard to think that soon you will be gone

It is unavoidable

No person can stop the end of the path if you stop walking it comes to you

Still I wish there was a way

I don't want to be standing next to my father as he buries yet another brother

I want to be standing beside both of you as you talk about buried treasure and dig in the soil with tools

But the time has passed for those things

Now we set on couches and talk about the past

And I dread when I will no longer drive to this house because your chair will be empty

Like it is October all over again I cry

Because there is nothing else I can do

My hope for you is that when you reach the end of the path it is beautiful

Hopefully we will meet there someday and catch up on all the years we lost

When you were just a stranger to me with beautiful blue eyes

Until then I pray that the last of your days are warm and loving

And always that I get to see you one last time before the path ends

4:17pm

Even when I am alone I am not

Outside forces whisper urgently

Others' energies

And what am I to do

I control everything and nothing

I run in circles

Effecting others' lives

Not my own

The wind knocks on my door

I dare not let it in for I am near hysteria

And the last thing I need is swept away

Everything past 4:17pm has gone to hell

And I have no solutions

Or energy

I will go to them 

My fellow artists

Perhaps something good can still come of this night

I look like hell but I will go anyway

Like I said I would

Maybe I should start saying no

I will bring my paints and a mug

Maybe answers will be waiting

Sleep is a sweet elixir

But too often I over indulge 

Not tonight

From this night color will arise

For tired as I am

Emotions run high

Hold On

I have been sifting through some old writings from my senior year of college.
As I have gone through them I realize I have blocked out the pain and confusion that I though would never end. It ended. And my life has evolved into something much better than I had ever thought possible back then. Still it hurt to be reminded....but at the same time gave me perspective.
Why do I mention this? Because there are many people who are struggling at the moment and although it might look hopeless I want you to hold on. Selfish of me I know....but hear me out....As you go through the bad times I want you to remember a better time and place your self there. Focus on the good. Move away from the darkness. If that good was a friend, a song, a place, or a movie (it could be anything) remember it with joy and then move on to create other happy moments, even if they are small.
 Write the bad out of your heart apparently that is what I did senior year and I hope that you can do the same. It does get better. Whether it is circumstance or just your attitude or your ability to handle disaster! You come out of the storm a fighter. No my life is not "perfect" I don't even know what that means. But I am happy to be alive and to have the opportunity to spend time with all of you and if I have not met you than to meet you. Keep going, keep fighting and remember that I love you.

Change

I listened to her talk about the pain, the loneliness

How he tried to fashion her into his perfect bride

This beautiful woman who gave years upon years to a monster

And I wondered how she made it out alive

How she managed to walk away and find a new love

How did she learn to trust?

All these years later she is sitting here to tell about it

It made me realize that some pain never fades no matter how much one apologizes

There are some wounds that cut you too deep not to leave a scar

Permanently

It’s funny how we sign our lives away

Not just to others but to jobs, money, and social constraints

Some believe that to overcome this loss of oneself there needs to exist complete anarchy

However, I believe enough is said with confidence, knowledge, and respect

She said they judged her over her failed marriage

And I tried to imagine how she must have felt

How the pain and anger must have multiplied itself again and again

And again

I’m so glad she found a way out

It hurts to watch youth promising themselves that others will change in a positive way

A wise woman once told me to never try to change a man

She said what you see is what you get

I took her words to heart and promised myself that if an occasion ever arose than I would stop myself

Before it was too late

Lovers are not paintings to adorn your home

Nor are they poetry to elicit a reaction from the depths of your soul

But if true they are the sun overcoming the darkness

Perhaps even filler for the void

Whoever would read this remember

Only change to your own liking

There is no perfect bride

Only an illusion

The true perfection dwells in your spirit

Change for no one

**This piece was copied from a former facebook page I had (I forgot my log in permanently it seems!) This piece was based on a story an older woman told me many years ago.....she is one of the sweetest people I know and very happy now. I thought you should know!

Bridges

A friend recently said "I've looked at your blog and you have not written in 8 months....I would like some new reading material." This struck me as wonderful and I vowed to begin writing more often. So Ashley here is some new reading material <3 

(Please see Ashley's great blog A Whisper in the Wind). 

Bridges

Lately I have been thinking of the bridges I've burned (intentionally or not)

Through the ashes of memory I sift 

Half remembered phone numbers

Passionate discussions 

Dive bars 

Unending arguments 

Half hearted C chords

A scrap of late night dinners

The bridges led to so many different people, places, and times. . .

Some just stopped like a dead end

There was no warning sign along the way

Some crumbled slowly 

Old and not properly maintained 

Others ignited 

Burning hot and painful

And a few remain in the purgatory of bridges

. . . Rope and wood swinging precariously in the wind. . .

Do you take the risk and try to cross it

Do you even reach out to touch it 

Lest it crash into the waters below

Robbing you of your last bit of stability

Or sanity

Most of the bridges I yearn to forget

Others I hope to rebuild 

Yet I wonder why

Why rebuild now when I have strong foundations and support

Is there some gold on the other side

Paradise lost

Even if there was does any of it matter now

I think not

So I move forward into better waters

Yet I cannot shake the fear

The shadow that slithers into my conscious 

Whispering

What if I ruined all these bridges

Myself a master of destruction

A tornado

A hurricane

Sweeping the bridges into the deep waters

There is something inside that insists
Persists

Intention or not you destroyed the lot

And I pray that it is false

Yet I continue not knowing

Never knowing

Bridge by bridge I cross

Holding my breath

For more ashes would turn this memory pit into a graveyard